You got to love Nintendo for coming up with such a silly name for their system. Revolution would have been much more appropriate. Instead, we’re stuck with “Wii”.
Anyway, I just spent a half-hour fiddling with the Wiimote sensor bar. Apparently, you can’t have another light source in the room because it screws with the sensors. On top of that, the damn thing is inverted so I’ve expanded a few blood vessels in my head just so I can play a damn game! In the end, I ended up using a GameCube controller. The Wiimote intrigues me (how the hell do you play Super Smash Bros. with that?) but it’s really not worth the headache.
Anyway, thanks to Super Smash Bros., Nintendo fans have had the privilege to see their favorite characters fight each other. Questions like “who would win in a fight between Mario and Link” have been answered, thanks to this game.
This week’s question is who is the better Nintendo couple…Mario and Peach or Link and Zelda? One could argue for both but there’s only one to answer that question…and that answer will come from violence!
The rules are simple. A best of seven series, where the first three rounds are 20 minute time bouts. Whoever loses the first round gets to pick the next stage. The next three rounds are stock based (4 lives each). If the series is tied 3-3, then a Sudden Death match takes place. All contestants are level 9 CPUs. Items appear frequently, but only Mario and Zelda-esque ones (heart containers, stars, lightning, mushrooms, etc.).
Round 1: Link and Zelda
On the Battlefield stage, the match went to Sudden Death…and ended 5 seconds later with Link KO’ing both Mario and Zelda…for the win!
Round 2: Mario and Peach
Since Mario and Peach lost round 1, they get to pick the stage for round 2. In this case, the stage was Delfino Plaza. Link and Zelda struggle as Mario whoops serious ass (22 KOs) and carries his team to victory.
Round 3: Link and Zelda
The last of the time-based bouts takes place on the Bridge of Eldin. Even at level 9, the CPU does the dumbest things. Like…Zelda jumping across the bridge gap to attack Peach, who happened to be wielding a hammer. This is also the first match where Zelda transformed into Sheik (she did not in the other two rounds, weird, eh?).
Anyway, Link and Zelda win the bout…but barely. Link had 21 KOs, but 19 falls and a self-destruct. Zelda manages to break even (15 KOs/Falls) as Mario and Peach both get negative scores.
Round 4: Link and Zelda
The first of the stock matches takes place on the Battlefield. Mario and Peach put on an epic combat with one life each (compared to Link and Zelda each having three), thanks to the final smashes…but Peach gets KO’d by a stray bomb and Mario can’t beat both Link and Zelda. The Triforce prevails here.
Round 5: Mario and Peach
Mario and Peach win on their home turf once again. Link is off his game the entire match, KOing himself at one point. Mario finishes him off with a final smash and together, with Peach, they double-team Zelda. …That sounds like some odd hardcore porn but it’s not. Mario wins the bout for his team in a hammer duel with Sheik. Sheik tries to KO Peach, but Mario nails her for the win. …What’s up with these porn references?
Round 6: Mario and Peach
Mario and Peach score a win in Hyrule. They don’t just win, they dominate, each having two lives left.
Round 7: Link and Zelda
Sudden Death match here for the win. 300% damage at the Final Destination stage. Mario and Peach’s comeback ends with Zelda KO’ing both of them.
Winner: Link and Zelda
The violence has spoken; Link and Zelda are the best Nintendo couple! Interestingly, out of the couples, the men performed better than than the women. They had more knockouts, less falls, but Mario and Link also faced off against each other. They focused on each other whereas Zelda and Peach were fighting each other most of the time. Here’s a silly conspiracy rumor for ye, Nintendo programmed their AI so they wouldn’t have to deal with male on female violence…most of the time.
Once again, violence has decided the winner. Link and Zelda are a better couple than Mario and Peach. Now, if only Kings and Queens of Prom could be decided in a similar fashion…
“Whenever there is a meeting, a parting is sure to follow. However, that parting need not last forever… Whether a parting be forever or merely for a short time… That is up to you.“