Dream Match: Jesus vs. Santa

It’s officially been two months since anyone has written in their journal.  If that didn’t tell me Xanga was officially “uncool”, I don’t know what would.  Because all the “cool” kids use Myspace and Facebook these days.  Well, since no one’s reading…

The war on Christmas takes another form entirely here in this journal’s first-ever dream match!  Tonight (this morning?) Santa Claus goes one on one with Jesus.  What a spectacle it would be.  Let’s take a look at some possible outcomes!

Outcome #1:  If we consider Santa’s religion, there might not be a fight at all.  Saint Nicholas (one of Santa’s many aliases) was actually a Christian bishop from the 4th century.  Granted, this isn’t the Santa we all know and love today, but hey, maybe today’s incarnation is like the majority of America and keeps their religion private.

As a Christian, Santa would never fight someone he believed to be his lord and savior.  Recognizing the futility of such a fight, Santa yields to Jesus.  Winner?  Both Santa and Jesus.  Why?  Because instead of fighting each other, the two form the Deadly Alliance and declare war on Christian heretics and pagans worldwide.  Maybe.  Supposedly, he was against heresy (particularly Arianism) and destroyed the Temple of Artemis.

Of course, Santa was 200-300 years after Jesus.  So, his idea of Jesus may lead him to reject the real thing.  So, they could still fight…

Outcome #2:  Ever hear someone tell you that “the real reason for Christmas” is Jesus?  If you have, would you be surprised they aren’t entirely correct?  Truth be told, no one knows why Jesus’ birthday is associated with December 25th.  The Christian Testament doesn’t give an exact date.  Indeed, one Christian theologian thought Jesus’ birthday shouldn’t be celebrated!  Only sinners celebrated their birthday, so he said.  Dude must have gotten some bad gifts when he was a kid.

So why is it common belief that Jesus’ birthday is December 25th.  Because that’s the date the Romans canonized.  However, some Eastern traditions celebrate the birth on January 6th.  So, if we consider that Jesus wasn’t born on Christmas, that eliminates his importance to the holiday.  If he has nothing to do with the holiday, he wouldn’t need to fight Santa.  That would make this match a “no contest”.

Outcome #3:  The past two options were pretty tame, not a lot of violence (well, the first one sort of has some) but that all changes here.  In this scenario, Jesus and Santa fight.  The only reason they’re fighting is because the War on Christmas demands it.  Imagine, Santa vs. Jesus live on pay-per-view!

Anyway, this would be an excellent fight.  Santa’s reindeer are outnumbered by Jesus’ apostles (nine vs. eleven, Jesus wouldn’t bring Judas back).  Two extra apostles give Jesus’ the numbers advantage over Santa.  Those two apostles could double (or triple) team one of the reindeer, or help Jesus subdue the jolly one…

…Unless Santa was prepared for this fight.  If he is, he mostly likely had his elves create all sorts of gadgets and weapons.  Santa might even bring a few of them to the fight.  They will most certainly be armed with weapons their small, fragile bodies can handle.  And if Rudolph’s nose really shoots laser, like in that one Robot Chicken episode, well…

I think Santa would win the fight.  If it’s just Santa and his reindeer, Santa wins.  Jesus might have a chance with the numbers advantage, but Santa still has his bag of goodies.  If Santa has elves with him, and/or Rudolph’s laser nose…then he’ll beat Jesus but not kill him.  If it’s a straight-up fight…Santa.  Jesus is younger, but Santa’s fatness could absorb blows.  And I’m sure he’ll have a flak jacket or something underneath that red coat.  Santa’s strength overpowers Jesus for the win.

Of course, Jesus’ could always persuade Santa to throw the fight.

The only casualties would be reindeer, some elves and/or the apostles, depending on how well they fight.  Peter chopped off a dude’s ear, and he’s only a fishermen.  Apparently, Jesus’ mere presence gives followers around him an attack bonus.  Of course, Santa’s elves can make anything.  Depending on how many he brings, the elves would waste the apostles.

Y’know, for a hypothetical fight, I did a lot more research than I needed to.  …Meh.

But doesn’t that just sum up Christmas? You go through all those presents and right at the end, there’s always one stupid old satsuma! Who wants a satsuma?

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