The Real Santa Claus

I was thinking of taking a break over the holidays (being out of state will do that to you), but this was just too weird to not post.  I can hear the choir now…  “You better watch out.  You better not cry.  You better not pout or he’ll beat your ass.  Santa Claus is sacking the town!”

Seriously, if there was one person I wouldn’t want to fuck with, it’s Santa Claus.  On the surface, he’s the jolliest old man you’ll ever meet.  But I’m telling you, beneath that friendly personality and white beard lies the heart of a murderer.  Don’t believe me?  Think about the possibilities!

Truth be told, Santa’s not much a fighter.  He’s a big guy but that’s about it.  His size limits his speed and his stamina wouldn’t be too great.  No, Santa’s greatest strength is his vast amount of resources.  His sleigh comes to mind.  Santa’s sleigh is pulled by a number of reindeer, all of whom I’m sure are willing to follow the fat man’s orders.  If Santa sicks his reindeer on you…I hope you like hunting.  If you’re lucky, you might be able to hit Rudolph.  That red nose will give him away no matter what time of day it is.

Besides, even if you’re getting torn apart by rabid reindeer, if you shoot Rudolph…it might be worth enduring such a horrible fate.

Even if a victim somehow survives Santa’s reindeer, Santa has an entire legion of elves at his disposal.  And honestly, what won’t those elves make?  I’m sure if Santa willed it, he could stockpile nuclear weapons.  If Santa wanted to make a statement, he would order his elves to build weapons.  Then, on Christmas Eve, he could assassinate all the bad boys and girls.  I can definitely see that happening.  Why else would he have a “naughty or nice” list?

Add all that and the fact Santa knows what you’re doing every minute second of your life (come on, he knows when you’re sleeping and when you’re awake!)…and you have one unbeatable dude.  Don’t fight Santa, it won’t end well for you.  I’m sure when Santa’s done with you, he’ll be sure to grind your remains up and package them as “reindeer food”.

And let’s not get into Ms. Claus.  I don’t know what she sees in Santa, but whatever it is, it’s got to be damn scary!

…Wow, chalk this post under “sounded better in my head”.

Not bad for a man in his jim-jams.”


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