Dream Match: Jesus vs. Santa

It’s officially been two months since anyone has written in their journal.  If that didn’t tell me Xanga was officially “uncool”, I don’t know what would.  Because all the “cool” kids use Myspace and Facebook these days.  Well, since no one’s reading…

The war on Christmas takes another form entirely here in this journal’s first-ever dream match!  Tonight (this morning?) Santa Claus goes one on one with Jesus.  What a spectacle it would be.  Let’s take a look at some possible outcomes!

Outcome #1:  If we consider Santa’s religion, there might not be a fight at all.  Saint Nicholas (one of Santa’s many aliases) was actually a Christian bishop from the 4th century.  Granted, this isn’t the Santa we all know and love today, but hey, maybe today’s incarnation is like the majority of America and keeps their religion private.

As a Christian, Santa would never fight someone he believed to be his lord and savior.  Recognizing the futility of such a fight, Santa yields to Jesus.  Winner?  Both Santa and Jesus.  Why?  Because instead of fighting each other, the two form the Deadly Alliance and declare war on Christian heretics and pagans worldwide.  Maybe.  Supposedly, he was against heresy (particularly Arianism) and destroyed the Temple of Artemis.

Of course, Santa was 200-300 years after Jesus.  So, his idea of Jesus may lead him to reject the real thing.  So, they could still fight…

Outcome #2:  Ever hear someone tell you that “the real reason for Christmas” is Jesus?  If you have, would you be surprised they aren’t entirely correct?  Truth be told, no one knows why Jesus’ birthday is associated with December 25th.  The Christian Testament doesn’t give an exact date.  Indeed, one Christian theologian thought Jesus’ birthday shouldn’t be celebrated!  Only sinners celebrated their birthday, so he said.  Dude must have gotten some bad gifts when he was a kid.

So why is it common belief that Jesus’ birthday is December 25th.  Because that’s the date the Romans canonized.  However, some Eastern traditions celebrate the birth on January 6th.  So, if we consider that Jesus wasn’t born on Christmas, that eliminates his importance to the holiday.  If he has nothing to do with the holiday, he wouldn’t need to fight Santa.  That would make this match a “no contest”.

Outcome #3:  The past two options were pretty tame, not a lot of violence (well, the first one sort of has some) but that all changes here.  In this scenario, Jesus and Santa fight.  The only reason they’re fighting is because the War on Christmas demands it.  Imagine, Santa vs. Jesus live on pay-per-view!

Anyway, this would be an excellent fight.  Santa’s reindeer are outnumbered by Jesus’ apostles (nine vs. eleven, Jesus wouldn’t bring Judas back).  Two extra apostles give Jesus’ the numbers advantage over Santa.  Those two apostles could double (or triple) team one of the reindeer, or help Jesus subdue the jolly one…

…Unless Santa was prepared for this fight.  If he is, he mostly likely had his elves create all sorts of gadgets and weapons.  Santa might even bring a few of them to the fight.  They will most certainly be armed with weapons their small, fragile bodies can handle.  And if Rudolph’s nose really shoots laser, like in that one Robot Chicken episode, well…

I think Santa would win the fight.  If it’s just Santa and his reindeer, Santa wins.  Jesus might have a chance with the numbers advantage, but Santa still has his bag of goodies.  If Santa has elves with him, and/or Rudolph’s laser nose…then he’ll beat Jesus but not kill him.  If it’s a straight-up fight…Santa.  Jesus is younger, but Santa’s fatness could absorb blows.  And I’m sure he’ll have a flak jacket or something underneath that red coat.  Santa’s strength overpowers Jesus for the win.

Of course, Jesus’ could always persuade Santa to throw the fight.

The only casualties would be reindeer, some elves and/or the apostles, depending on how well they fight.  Peter chopped off a dude’s ear, and he’s only a fishermen.  Apparently, Jesus’ mere presence gives followers around him an attack bonus.  Of course, Santa’s elves can make anything.  Depending on how many he brings, the elves would waste the apostles.

Y’know, for a hypothetical fight, I did a lot more research than I needed to.  …Meh.

But doesn’t that just sum up Christmas? You go through all those presents and right at the end, there’s always one stupid old satsuma! Who wants a satsuma?

The Real Santa Claus

I was thinking of taking a break over the holidays (being out of state will do that to you), but this was just too weird to not post.  I can hear the choir now…  “You better watch out.  You better not cry.  You better not pout or he’ll beat your ass.  Santa Claus is sacking the town!”

Seriously, if there was one person I wouldn’t want to fuck with, it’s Santa Claus.  On the surface, he’s the jolliest old man you’ll ever meet.  But I’m telling you, beneath that friendly personality and white beard lies the heart of a murderer.  Don’t believe me?  Think about the possibilities!

Truth be told, Santa’s not much a fighter.  He’s a big guy but that’s about it.  His size limits his speed and his stamina wouldn’t be too great.  No, Santa’s greatest strength is his vast amount of resources.  His sleigh comes to mind.  Santa’s sleigh is pulled by a number of reindeer, all of whom I’m sure are willing to follow the fat man’s orders.  If Santa sicks his reindeer on you…I hope you like hunting.  If you’re lucky, you might be able to hit Rudolph.  That red nose will give him away no matter what time of day it is.

Besides, even if you’re getting torn apart by rabid reindeer, if you shoot Rudolph…it might be worth enduring such a horrible fate.

Even if a victim somehow survives Santa’s reindeer, Santa has an entire legion of elves at his disposal.  And honestly, what won’t those elves make?  I’m sure if Santa willed it, he could stockpile nuclear weapons.  If Santa wanted to make a statement, he would order his elves to build weapons.  Then, on Christmas Eve, he could assassinate all the bad boys and girls.  I can definitely see that happening.  Why else would he have a “naughty or nice” list?

Add all that and the fact Santa knows what you’re doing every minute second of your life (come on, he knows when you’re sleeping and when you’re awake!)…and you have one unbeatable dude.  Don’t fight Santa, it won’t end well for you.  I’m sure when Santa’s done with you, he’ll be sure to grind your remains up and package them as “reindeer food”.

And let’s not get into Ms. Claus.  I don’t know what she sees in Santa, but whatever it is, it’s got to be damn scary!

…Wow, chalk this post under “sounded better in my head”.

Not bad for a man in his jim-jams.”