2005: Movies of the Year

2005 was best said by my brother.  “This year blew.”  Couldn’t have said it better, myself.

In Hollywood, 2005 was a dismal year.  The movie industry suffered
its worst slump in a long time (I’m thinking back to 1985?).  It
wasn’t until Harry Potter, Narnia, and King Kong
came along and brought Hollywood on par with last year’s profits.
What does Hollywood blame this slump on?  Pirating.

Hey assholes, quit redubbing bullshit movies and exercise some
creativity for a change!  Maybe if movies were worth the tickets
and concessions, people would quit downloading them and go out and see
them!  So, I’ve made a conclusion on how Hollywood can increase
viewer ship in 2006.  Either (a) have the directors be more
original for a change instead of remaking the same movies over and over
again (movies like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, War of the Worlds, hell even King Kong was a remake) or (b) lower ticket and concession prices.  Hollywood will do (c) none of the above and blame pirating.

2006 does hold a few gems (X-Men 3, Superman, Pirates of the Caribbean 2?  Maybe?) but what did 2005 have?  Let’s take a look…

 

Movies That Are Recommended!

5.  Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

The only reason I have Star Wars
here is because its the last movie of a (once) legendary saga.
Yeah, I enjoyed the movie…because it was more action-emphasized than
its predecessors.  Of course, like the other prequels, you can
expect a plot full of holes and dialogue that is guaranteed to make you
cringe (or at least make the viewer throw up in their overpriced tub of
popcorn in disgust).  The good news is special effects and the
multitude of action scenes make Star Wars III more worth your time than the previous chapters.

4.  The Aristocrats

Now this was a gem.  Not that great of a movie plot wise, but its a
good test to see just how much of a joke you can take things.  The Aristocrats
will definitely test the limits of your humor.  Unlike most comedy
movies released this year, this one is actually funny.  Just be
careful if you are offended easily.

3.  King Kong

Peter Jackson alone makes this remake of King Kong
worth attending.  I thoroughly enjoyed this movie (even if its a
remake), mainly because Jackson employs more depth into this version
than the previous.  Example:  Naomi Watts as Ann
Darrow.  In the previous movies, Ann seemed to just exist to
scream.  Jackson’s Ann Darrow, however, provides more depth as she
begins to rely on Kong for protection.  In other words, she
doesn’t scream as much and makes my ears happier.  Of course, this
leads to Kong’s only downfall:  the creepy relationship.
Even if that scares you, you won’t be thinking too much about it since
the special effects will blow you away.  I recommend this movie
over Narnia, by a long shot.

2.  Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

The best Harry Potter movie yet.  Unlike Narnia, this is the fantasy epic worth your time and
money!  Director Mike Newell successfully makes one of the most
popular books of our time into one of the most enjoyable movies of the
year.  If you haven’t seen this movie, you either hate Harry
Potter or think J.K. Rowling is satanic.  Go see Goblet of Fire and you’ll have changed your mind.

1.  Batman Begins

My favorite movie of the year.  Batman Begins is proof the dead can rise.  This franchise, which had been beaten and raped since Batman Returns,
was revamped.  Instead of fighting multiple villains and focusing
more on them, we get to see the beginning of Batman’s career and why he
became the Bat (which was only hinted at in the other movies).  A
well-rounded cast (Morgan Freeman and Michael Caine kick ass), an
interesting villain, and a more serious tone make this movie worth
seeing.  Even if you hate Batman, go see this movie.  You’ll
forgot all about Bat nipples by the time you walk out of the theater.

Honorable Mentions

Kung Fu Hustle

Kung Fu Hustle might be dumb
as hell, but I thoroughly enjoyed it.  The amount of ass-kicking
in this movie is just humorous to watch.  I’d have recommended
this over Star Wars.  Cartoon chaos, ahoy!

Land of the Dead

While not as original as its predecessor, Land of the Dead
sees George Romero directing movies that spawned the whole genre of
zombie horror.  ’nuff said.  That, and its the only decent
horror movie released this year.

Movies That Are To Be Avoided!

5.  Fantastic Four

More like Fantastic Fizzle.
The Fantastic Four are some of the most beloved super heroes in the
Marvel universe.  In this movie, they seem more like a joke.
Don’t believe me?  Two words:  Flame on!

Maybe its the inconsistencies that get me too.  Were Reed and
Storm supposed to be that young?  Well, at least the Fantastic
Four have one of the greatest supervillians of all time, right?
Nope.  Doctor Doom doesn’t rule a country, he rules corporate
business…with an iron fist!  Heh, not.  Also, people saw a
much better movie of the same nature last November (The Incredibles).  So I got another name for this movie:  Fantastic Fuck-this.

4.  Doom

A movie on Doom can only mean
one thing:  lots and lots of shooting.  Director Bartkowiak
wanted to the audience to feel immersed in the movie with the
first-person moments.  Good intention, but he forgot one
thing.  Gamers can do the same thing at home on the original
source for a few hours than pay $7.50 for a movie that does the same
thing for five minutes.  Oh, and the not-so-plot of a plot (Hell,
the game didn’t even have that much of a plot…it was just an excuse
to go shoot demons) and horrid acting (I don’t want The Rock cooking
for me until he gets movies) make it hard to get immersed into Doom.

Compare the movie and the game.  The game is interactive to the
player, meaning the player is in control.  With the movie, the
director is in control and the audience is watching.  Its like
watching your friend play Doom.  He might be really good at it, but don’t you want to play too?

Forget Doom.  Most people already have the games, and shooters (hell, games in general) have come a long way since 1993.

3.  Alone in the Dark

No list of “Movies That Are To Be Avoided” would be complete without a Uwe Boll movie.  Based on the game that spawned Resident Evil, both movies have something in common:  they suck.  I’ll give Alone in the Dark credit for being scary though.  I was absolutely horrified
by the acting, production, and lack of a coherent script.  Wooden
puppets show more emotion than Christian Slater and Tara Reid.
And the script literally juggles genres until you see Slater and Reid
blasting the shit out of Dawn of the Dead and Starship Troopers rejects/clones.  Chances are if its Uwe Boll-produced, the movie is going to suck.  Alone in the Dark is no exception.  At least he isn’t making Halo…

2.  Son of the Mask

This movie pissed me off.  This is Hollywood’s attempt to make a
sequel to a movie that really shouldn’t have a sequel.  Quite a
coincidence that Hollywood is making sequels to Jim Carrey
movies.  Dumb and Dumber was the first victim, and now The Mask.

Jim Carrey was wise not to star in this sequel, but by doing so, he
robbed the movie of its heart and soul.  Who made the original Mask so great?  Carrey.  Without sssssmokin’ Jim Carrey, this movie is just ssssshitty.

1.  Dukes of Hazzard

Hands down, worst movie of the year.  You know a movie sucks when
cast members of the original TV show its based on tell you to avoid
the movie.  This movie is more Yeeeeawn than Yee-Haw!  I’m
not even going to mention the plot, since no one went to see Dukes of Hazzard
for Burt Reynolds in a white tuxedo.  Besides, the plot is more
fitting for a TV show than a movie.  People are going to see Hazzard
for either the General Lee doing what it does best (performing leaps of
faith off bridges), or Jessica Simpson.  Either way, fans lose.

You see the General Lee stunt before the opening credits of a movie you
paid too much money for.  The other stunts are so-so, since
they’re the same you saw in Herbie: Fully Loaded or even Smokey and the Bandit…a
movie made almost thirty years ago.  Jessica Simpson isn’t in the
film enough to provide fan service for teenage boys.  When she is
in the film, she’s like the rest of the cast:  nonexistent.

Dukes of Hazzard, indeed.  Avoid this movie like nuclear fallout.

Dishonorable Mentions

The Cave

Aliens…only subtract James Cameron and outer space and add Bruce Hunt and subterranean Earth.  Next!

Cheaper by the Dozen 2

More lame jokes and more Steve Martin should be enough to warrant this
movie a dishonorable mention.  Sure, the families feud and fight,
but in the end, they all get along.  Its enough to make even Jesus
think about stealing Christmas.

Chronicles of Narnia:  The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe

Narnia isn’t as horrid as the
other movies here, but it does deserve a dishonorable mention because
the movie was just that damn disappointing.  Whether it was the
overdone CG effects, the amount of sugar coating this movie had (Narnia is so sweet it’ll make you a diabetic), or the lack of casting material
(Liam Neeson as the voice of Aslan?  Hey, why not make Aslan a
kitten while your at it?), this movie just didn’t deliver.  If one
wants to put Narnia nicely:  Lord of the Rings with a Disney coat of paint.  Otherwise, read my Narnia bashinghere.

Get Rich or Die Tryin’

50 Cent’s first movie, so I’m not going too critical.  What got me
though was the plot:  50 Cent’s success story.  How many
times have we heard this now?  We hear this in his music, now a
movie, and even a video game.  Wow, I never get tired of hearing
how 50 Cent became such a star.

I agree that his rise to fame is interesting…the first
time you hear it.  This movie will make the most loyal of 50
cent’s fans go out and ask some thug to shoot them nine times:
one for each time 50 cent has told his success story…and marketed it.

Skeleton Key

This is the other lame horror movie for the year.  Skeleton keys
are supposed to unlock anything, yet this movie doesn’t unlock my scare
factor.  Forget this movie, though its leaps and bounds better
than Alone in the Dark.