…Coincidentally, that also makes it idiot-proof.
Apparently I need to clarify my Narnia review. I can see why most
people think I should have liked it, since I didn’t really say much on
the movie here. That’s because I was so disgusted with
Narnia. I knew the movie would suck, but damn! If Narnia
was a whore, my penis would have went numb from the amount of suckage.
The first hour of Narnia was enjoyable. It is most likely the
best part of the movie. For those of you who don’t know the
story, Narnia is set in World War II-era Britain. The
children are transported away from London to a mansion to be safe from
the horrors of war. While there, during a game of hide and seek,
young Lucy finds a massive wardrobe. Upon entrance, she is
transported to a magical land full of fauns, centaurs, and all sorts of
talking animals. Narnia is in imprisoned in a winter that has
lasted a thousand years. The only hope for the citizens
(err…animals) are two sons of Adam and two daughters of Eve.
That’s about all I can say before I start ranting and raving and beating the shit out of the plot.
Now, I did like the first hour of the movie. That’s pretty sad,
since there was a lot of non-book related stuff there. For
example, there’s no depiction of German bombers blasting the crap out
of the protagonist’s home city. Reading through my dust-collected
Narnia chronicles, I see Lucy enters the fantasy realm on page 6.
Yet, in the movie, it seems like six hours until we are introduced to
Narnia and Mr. Thomnas (or however the hell you spell his name).
Anyway, the first hour is handled quite nicely. I almost had hope
for Narnia…until they met the beavers. Oh good God, the talking
beavers. Now Narnia had me immersed in its land, and then this
fake, clearly CGI created, hellspawn of a beaver shows up.
Complete with racial accents. Well, at least the movie kept up
with C.S. Lewis’ racism (the reason I didn’t like the books). Oh,
and what does the White Witch tempt Edmund with? Turkish
Delights. Oh the irony…
Anyway, the beavers pissed me off. Mainly because they looked so
fake… This is WETA!? Of course, unlike many blind
Hollywood slaves, I knew WETA hadn’t done anything on Narnia…save the
rough draft. The brilliant people behind the special effects of
such masterpieces as Garfield did the work here. Garfield
sucked, and the special effects for Narnia suck too. Then it
wasn’t just the beavers, but all the animals. Particularly Aslan…
Aslan pissed me off himself. If he is supposed to be an allegory
for Jesus, then he failed. If I recall, Jesus gave his life for
all to be free of their sins. Aslan goes through something
similar to crucifixion, but for just one guy. If you are going to
be a martyr, don’t look like a fucking idiot!
Another thing about how the whole “Aslan is killed, then resurrected”
is that I didn’t feel anything. Narnia had such little character
development that no one actually bonds with anyone. Aslan is
giving his life for a traitor? I’d be more impressed if I
actually felt anything for him. For example, in the events
leading up to Aslan’s sacrifice, you know very little about him.
He’s the just the “Lord of Narnia.” That’s it. At least
Jesus had several chapters (hell, books) of scripture to back him up,
regardless of how true or false you believe such texts.
For anyone still doubting, compare Narnia to Lord of the Rings.
Narnia may be many things, but epic it is not. The plot, acting, hell
even the effects were better in Rings. And Rings was believable and
appealed to all audiences. Jackson and Tolkien are just the better
In short, I give Narnia two thumbs down, but two middle fingers up. Fuck Narnia. Go see King Kong instead.
+ Great plot!
+ Evil villains!
+/- Semi-faithful to the books.
– Plastic characters…
– More of a kid’s movie than a fantasy (damn Disney)…
– Coated with enough sugar make the viewer a diabetic…
– Make-believe at times…
“There no ‘I’ in team.
There’s no ‘U’ either. So if I’m not on the team, and you’re not
on the team, then nobody is on the damn team! The team sucks!”