I saw the Dukes of Hazzard….and I want my IQ points, and time, back. Now. I could sum up the movie in one word…hell, one expression: Yeeeeeeeawn! I’ve already stated my thoughts on the plot, and seeing it first hand doesn’t change it.
For those of you who don’t know, the Dukes of Hazzard is a movie made from a ‘hit’ TV show. It’s about two cousins (Bo and Luke Duke) who smuggle moonshine for their Uncle Jessie. Throughout the movie, they are portrayed some as the laughingest, hell-raisingest pair of ‘people’ to ever get a Georgia driver’s license. They also vandalize and laugh about it….but we’re told that’s okay since they’re good people. …Right.
About 50 percent of movie is car chases…which wouldn’t be bad if they didn’t feel so repetive. It’s the same scenario every time. And you know they are going to get out so there’s no
suspense. Hell, even the movie’s selling point, Jessica Simpson, doesn’t help. If you went to the movie to just look at Jessica Simpson, you’d still be wasting your money. Her appearance on screen is about as short as the Daisy Dukes she’s wearing.
I saw this guy’s review for it. He acted out what would’ve been how some Warner Brother’s exectives came up with it. I’ll post it here…
Executive #1: We need to find something to get us back on top.
Executive #2: But no one can come up with ideas that will appeal to teenage boys. All of our scripts are highfalutin’ things, like the one Clint is directing. What’s it called? Million Dollar Man? Wasn’t that a Universal TV series?
Executive #1: No, Clint’s movie is Million Dollar Baby, and has nothing to do with the TV series. More’s the pity. Clint’s made a lot of money for us, so we had to let him do it, even though it will sink like a rock. Have you read the script? What a downer. No one’s going to see it. But I think you’ve got something there. Let’s do another re-make.
Executive #2: How about a French film? We can change the ending to make it happy.
Executive #1: Nah. Even with the better ending, too arty. Remember: we want teenage boys. We need car crashes, chases, girls in bikinis, that sort of stuff…
Executive #2: What about a ’70s TV show? Then we can get some of the dads too, since there will be the nostalgia thing.
Executive #1: Right, right. Make it cheap and it’s sure to bring in the bucks. What shows haven’t been remade? I think most of them have already been done.
Executive #2: CHiPs. Emergency! Marcus Welby M.D. The Dukes of Hazzard.
Executive #1: CHiPs is perfect, but it’s not ours. Neither is Emergency! And how the hell are you going to get car crashes into Marcus Welby? The Dukes of Hazzard is a piece of shit, but that means box office appeal. People love bad TV shows turned into movies.
Executive #2: I have an idea – how about making a movie so excruciatingly unbearable that it will make the TV series look good. That way, when we come out with the Dukes DVDs, people will be clamoring for them.
Executive #1: Brilliant! But we still need to pack enough people into the movie for it to make back its cost on opening weekend, before word gets out. By the Monday after its release, it will smell worse than three-day old fish.
Executive #2: We can hire a screenwriter, although we don’t really need a script. Just have him throw something together about a car race and the bad guy, Boss Hogg, buying up land so he can strip-mine it. The Dukes are in the way, so he puts together a nefarious plot to get them out of the way. Then throw in all The Dukes of Hazzard elements. Avoid top-notch talent behind the camera. Hire a virtually unknown director and don’t worry about competent editing. No one’s going to care if there are continuity problems in the car chases or if
nothing makes sense. In fact, why bother? Cut corners everywhere.
Executive #1: Speaking of talent, who do we get to star? The originals are alive, but they’re too old. Maybe they could make cameos…
Executive #2: Foggedaboutit. No one will know who they are. Get two B-list guys whose salaries won’t break the bank. Johnny Knoxville as Luke Duke and Seann William Scott as Bo. Ray Ray and Stifler. Neither can act, so they won’t upstage the car. And, let’s face it – the General Lee makes the movie. Without the car, you don’t have anything. During the TV series, half the fan mail was for that car.
Executive #1: What about the girl? The one in the hot pants.
Executive #2: Britney Spears?
Executive #1: No, she’s passé. She couldn’t open a movie if it came with a zipper. Maybe if we had made this a couple of years ago. When this movie hits theaters, she’ll probably be barefoot and pregnant. How about the “Chicken of the Sea” girl? What’s her name?
Executive #2: Jessica Simpson.
Executive #1: No, not the chick from the cartoon. The one from the reality show.
Executive #2: Yeah, Jessica Simpson. She can’t act. She looks like a life-size Barbie, with an expression to match. Plastic. Like one of those expensive blow-up dolls.
Executive #1: Put her in a bikini and no male under 17 will care whether she can act. Who cares if it doesn’t make sense why she’s in a bikini. Just get her to undress in every scene. What about the rest of the cast? How about Willie Nelson as the whacked out uncle Jesse. Nelson’s long hair and stoned look will be a perfect fit. Just as long as he doesn’t sing “On the Road Again.”
Executive #2: And Burt Reynolds as Boss Hogg? A throwback to the Smokey and the Bandit days?
Executive #1: Reynolds? Isn’t he dead?
Executive #2: Not officially, although his recent films have included a co-starring role opposite a bear and a re-make with Adam Sandler. He probably needs money, so we might be able to get him cheap. If not, we can always try Danny DeVito. He’s the right shape.
Executive #1: Reynolds looks better in a white tux. Besides, we’ve already seen DeVito in a penguin suit!
*Mutual fake laughter*
Executive #1: Who was the guy who did the title song and the voiceovers? Some old time singer. Engelbert Humperdinck?
Executive #2: Waylon Jennings.
Executive #1: Yeah, that’s right. See if he’s available. Get him if he’s not dead. And if he is dead, get someone who sounds like him. I want that voiceover to be authentic. That’s what we’re aiming for – authenticity! Realism! Car chases with jumps that make the bus acrobatics in Speed look believable!
Executive #2: When do we release it?
Executive #1: August, of course. We don’t want it going against anything that could be construed as a quality film. Jettison it amidst all the other garbage, and people will see it because they recognize the name. The only other choice is February, but action films don’t do well at that time of the year. Too many people in the north freezing their asses off. Stupid idiots should all move to L.A.
Executive #2: I think we’ve got a winner. A dumb script. A director with few credits. A B-list cast. A cheap editor. A really bad movie with enough action scenes to make a trailer that will get kids to the theater during its first weekend, then sell DVDs of the series.
Executive #1: That’s the ticket! With luck, this will garner tons of nominations!
Executive #2: Oscars?
Executive #1: No, you moron! Razzies!
I’m still pissed off about how this movie is supposed to portray America.
After all, nothing says “God Bless America” like a bunch of barfight-happy, vandalizing, rebellious, hell-raising hillbillies (err…”Appalachian Americans”) with a serious dislike of law
enforcement and a Confederate flag painted on top of a NASCAR-ready car. I rest my case.